The Truck Stops Here

After a piss break, Metzger pilots his speed-governed truck past Cadiz, Kentucky, where he cracks: "You know you're in a big town when it's got a Cracker Barrel." The patter on Channel 16 of his CB -- which Applejack calls "Sesame Street" for its sophomoric topicality -- is centered on chicks, cars and more chicks.

"Damn that looks good in the red Mustang goin' westbound," opines one rebel.

"Most truck drivers have a wing and a ting to them," observes Metzger. "My wife hates it."

Eight Con-Way trucks are due to pull into Oak Grove around one in the afternoon, and Metzger's is the first to arrive. With a quarter-hour to spare, he decides to get in a little Tampa Bay tune-up.

"This is where I practice my rear-bumper stop," says Metzger, explaining that the back of his rig must come within six inches of a yellow parking slip line to earn max points in competition.

Applejack disembarks the cab to assess his handiwork. Three inches: Attababy.

"Fifty points," he says. "I'm hot!"

Applejack's running with Rabbit Jones on the ride home, and their Channel 1 CB conversation -- highlighted by a grating rendition of the SpongeBob SquarePants theme song -- oscillates between blue-collar clever and hillbilly torture chamber. Bidding Rabbit 10-4 around the fried bologna depot in Ina, Metzger shuts his radio down and sets his ears to the air.

"Sometimes I just turn it off and contemplate the fate of the world," he explains.

Good to know someone's on top of that. Better to know that someone's the champ.