Unreal News Challenge 2007

Can you believe it? We're about to give the heave-ho to 2007, a year St. Louis marked with child abductions, soaring venereal-disease rates and several scandals involving local officials.

In other words: business as usual.

But before we bid adieu to the year that was, it's time once again for the Unreal News Challenge!

That's right. We dug up thousands of local stories from 2007, shoveled 'em into the ol' brainpan, shook 'em up and heaved 'em out in our (if you'll permit us a hyperbolic moment) inimitable fashion. Now it's up to you to distinguish the truth from the merely truthy, the fact from the fiction and, more to the point, the real from the Unreal.

What about the frickin' prizes, you ask?

The Great XXXmas Giveaway a few weeks back thinned our supply some, so this time around we're going with only one prize. But it's a craptastic one!

Yes, folks, the winner of this year's Unreal News Challenge gets to take home the brand-spanking-new toilet the editorial department purchased to adorn the paper's November 15 cover. You read right: This year's high scorer gets a genuine unused porcelain potty, suitable for residential installation or any other mode of display you might dream up. Said toilet will be (tastefully and discreetly) signed by RFT staff photographer Jennifer Silverberg, art director Tom Carlson and by Unreal ourself.

OFFICIAL RULES: There are no rules. Except one: If you win, you'll have to arrange to come to the RFT offices in person to claim your prize.

Make that two rules: Only one entry per household.

Oh, and you have to supply a real name and phone number where we can reach you in the unlikely event you win. In the event of a tie or ties, we'll come up with something. And, you know, void where prohibited and all that.
So answer the following questions to the best of your ability and, if you wish, submit the results by mail to:

Unreal
Riverfront Times
6358 Delmar Boulevard, Ste. 200
St. Louis, MO 63130

Better yet, save yourself a stamp and visit www.riverfronttimes.com to take the quiz online.

We'll publish an answer key in a week or so. And now, without further ado, let the quiz-takin' commence!

Answers are in blue.color=#1569C7>

1) A European Union court found in favor of Anheuser-Busch earlier this year, enabling the St. Louis brewery to do what?
A) Market its delicious full-bodied malt liquor, King Cobra, in the Netherlands.
B) Place the names "Bud" and "Budweiser" on promotional items such as beer steins, bar coasters and women's swimsuits.color=#1569C7>
C) Erect billboards containing anti-Heineken advertisements.
D) Introduce the European people to our "Ambassador of Fun," Spuds MacKenzie.

2) Who is Jason Harris and what lawsuit did he file in 2007?
A) He's a City of St. Louis animal-control worker who is suing a real estate agent whose runaway Yorkshire terrier allegedly defecated while he was pursuing the animal, causing him to slip and break his coccyx.
B) He's a Cardinals fan who is suing the House of Ink for inserting two typos in a tattoo that was meant to commemorate the team's 2006 World Series victory.color=#1569C7>
C) He is the state representative who loaned State Senator Jeff Smith his casino ID.
D) He's the lead plaintiff in a class-action suit against the City of St. Louis that claims the city was negligent in repairing potholes.

3) St. George Mayor Harold Goodman made headlines in 2007. Why?
A) He was busted twice in a single week — once for possession of marijuana and subsequently for possession of child pornography.color=#1569C7>
B) He ate 56 White Castle burgers in ten minutes.
C) He was caught on video harassing a motorist.
D) His slogan, "St. George is for Lovers," was withdrawn after Virginia sued for trademark infringement — but not before the city council ordered 5,000 T-shirts and 2,000 coffee mugs adorned with the catchphrase.

Match the disgraced charity leader with the alleged offense:
4) Michael Katz, the Judy Ride Foundation. Ccolor=#1569C7>
5) Sandra Batte, Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Bcolor=#1569C7>
6) Carl Sengheiser, Gateway to a Cure. Acolor=#1569C7>
A) Holding fraudulent raffles.
B) Possession of child pornography.
C) Enriching himself through the sale of bracelets.

7) What is St. Louis' new slogan?
A) St. Louis: All Within Reach.color=#1569C7>
B) St. Louis: Perfectly Centered. Remarkably Connected.
C) St. Louis: The Other West Coast.
D) St. Louis: Big Butt Country.

8) Once again in 2007, St. Louis scored high among U.S. cities when it came to the infection rate for sexually transmitted diseases. Our fair city topped the charts in:
A) Syphilis.
B) Gonorrhea.
C) Chlamydia and gonorrhea.color=#1569C7>
D) Gonorrhea and syphilis.

9) Which of the following findings did Washington University researchers announce in 2007?
A) Wearing tight socks may lead to temporary red marks on infants' legs.
B) There is a link between heavy drinking and sexual promiscuity.
C) Many overweight children need help to lose weight and keep it off.
D) All of the above.color=#1569C7>

Match the public figure with the quote:
10) Larry Salci, ex-president and CEO of Metro. Bcolor=#1569C7>
11) Michael Devlin, ex-pizzeria manager and convicted pervert. Ccolor=#1569C7>
12) Jeffery Whitteaker, truck driver and mayor of Valley Park. Acolor=#1569C7>
A) "You got one guy and his wife that settle down here, have a couple kids, and before long you have Cousin Puerto Rico and Taco Whoever moving in."
B) "[KTVI-TV (Channel 2) reporter Elliott Davis] fits right into St. Louis. He's a fucking clown."
C) "I don't know how I'm going to explain myself to my parents."

13) When a Wright City resident placed his Elvis Is Alive museum up for auction on eBay, which of the following items was not included?
A) A life-size casket containing a dead Elvis replica.
B) Results of a DNA test proving that the man buried at Graceland is not Elvis Presley.
C) A polyp from Elvis' liver that supplied the genetic material for the DNA test. color=#1569C7>
D) An answering-machine recording that purportedly was recorded after the King's (alleged) death.

14) Who did St. Louis Archbishop Raymond Burke not threaten with excommunication this year?
A) Bernice Krauze.
B) Stan Rozanski.
C) Rose Marie Dunn Hudson and Elsie Hainz McGrath.
D) None of the above.color=#1569C7>

15) Why did St. Louis cancel Mighty Mud Mania 2007?
A) Because city officials feared a repeat of Mighty Mud Mania 2006, at which hundreds of participants came down with folliculitis, an infection of the hair follicles.color=#1569C7>
B) Because the city has been named as a defendant in three personal-injury lawsuits stemming from Mighty Mud Mania 2006.
C) Because a drought left the city without enough water to make mud.
D) You try getting those mud and grass stains out of your kid's britches.

16) What item has Cardinals outfielder Chris Duncan not been seen dry-humping on the Riverfront Times blog?
A) A bottle of Block Up! SPF 45 sunscreen.
B) The leg of the Stan Musial statue outside Busch Stadium.color=#1569C7>
C) Homer Simpson.
D) The Stanley Cup.

17) The United States Department of Agriculture fined the Saint Louis Zoo $7,500 in 2007. Why?
A) The USDA found that the zoo was serving cloned mackerel to its penguin population.
B) The USDA found that the zoo had not properly cared for two of its resident polar bears.color=#1569C7>
C) The USDA found that the zoo was running a "hyena mill," selling teacup hyenas to several A-list celebrities.
D) The USDA needed money.

18) Why is independent presidential candidate Blake Ashby running for president?
A) "Though I have no foreign-policy experience, I measure my days in spoons of espresso at Meshuggah, so I've pretty much got the Italian and Jewish vote wrapped up."
B) "My real hope is that Kucinich will tap me for veep."
C) "I'm tired of crack-smoking Republicans ruining my great country."color=#1569C7>
D) All of the above.

19) Earlier this year Laurie Flori and Rosemary Thornton ended a legal feud involving claims of defamation and plagiarism. What was the fight about?
A) The specifics of an easement between their two properties.
B) Which woman had done more research/ about the history of Sears mail-order houses.color=#1569C7>
C) Which researcher deserved top billing on a co-authored paper titled "Convergence of Multiple Signaling Pathways Is Required to Coordinately Up-regulate mtDNA and Mitochondrial Biogenesis During T Cell Activation."
D) Who coined the term "electric boogaloo."

20) Who is Jasmine Wright, and why was she running topless across the Poplar Street Bridge during the morning rush hour?
A) She's a global-warming activist who was making a public statement about our dependence on fossil fuels.
B) She's an exotic dancer who'd just beaten up a man after they had sex and he'd refused to pay her the agreed-upon amount.color=#1569C7>
C) She's a runner who took a wrong turn while training for the Spirit of St. Louis Marathon.
D) She's a BASE jumper who lost her shirt (and parachute harness) during an unsuccessful jump from the bridge.