Poll Finds Missourians Really Like Living in Sh*tholes

A recent poll reveals Missourians would move to America’s wang (Florida) if given the chance to live in any other state

Feb 1, 2023 at 1:07 pm

IMAGE VIA FLICKR/ Kai Brinker

"Yeah, bruh, Florida's awesome. Nothin' like crackin' open a Busch Light on the beach." - A Florida transplant from Missouri would probably say.

Missourians are just determined to live in crappy states, apparently.

A recent poll completed by travel website familydestinationsguide.com found that Missourians, if given the chance to live anywhere else in the country, would choose to live in Florida. You know Florida — the state that’s basically a swamp version of Missouri.

Family Destinations asked over 3,000 U.S. households where they’d like to move to if they could get a hypothetical clean break, and Florida was the best place Missourians could think of.

Florida, where Floridiots make headlines for wrestling alligators. Florida, whose governor wants to ban higher education diversity programs. Florida, where just saying the word “gay” in schools is a hotly contested political issue. You think the humidity is bad here? Wait till you experience the swamp-crotch climate of America’s wang, a.k.a. Florida.

It’s no great surprise that people in a landlocked state nicknamed “Misery” would find Florida more appealing. Who wouldn’t trade the muddy shores of the Mississippi River for sandy (albeit sinking) beaches? Warm weather! No income tax! Schools without masks! Disney World!

The worst part about living in Missouri is that you live in Missouri, so it’s understandable that Missourians would jump at any chance to get away. Yet in a complete departure from their tropical state choice, Missouri survey respondents also said they’d opt for the United Kingdom if given the chance to move to another country. Perhaps because there’s no language barrier? Or maybe Missourians just really feel at home in places with controversial public figures.

But alas, life is not a survey, and we cannot up and leave whenever we want. St. Louisans, at least, are still lured by our state’s comparatively cheap cost of living, the city’s robust dining scene and our growing roster of sports teams.

We may dream of warmer weather and waters we can actually swim in, but we’ll still defend our home’s honor, despite all our pining to move somewhere better. But that better place is definitely not Florida.