MONDAY, MARCH 13 In St. Charles County, prosecutors kick off the capital murder trial of Shawn Kavanagh. Saying, "I just wanted to be with my wife on Valentine's Day," Kavanagh killed two of his wife’s friends and one of their seven-year-old sons before stabbing said wife. She survived, but the Post-Dispatch says she endures “lifelong injuries.”
In other news from St. Chuck: A jury there found 70-year-old Larry Thomlison guilty of first-degree assault and armed criminal action for shooting an Amazon driver who illegally parked in a handicapped spot. Jaylen Walker, 21, is now paralyzed from the waist down. Thomlison was found guilty of first-degree assault and criminal action, so he’ll probably be out in five years. Further proof St. Charles is a lawless hellhole. Someone summon the Missouri A.G.! Surely a quo warranto could fix this mess.
TUESDAY, MARCH 14 Happy 314 Day! U. City High grad Nelly wants to start the “High School Alumni Games,” pitting all the cliques that never got past high school against each other for prizes. Way to make the transplants feel like transplants. Also, the parent company of Bally Sports Midwest files for bankruptcy. They have $8 billion in debt. How do you even run up a tab that big? Major League Baseball says the Chapter 11 filing is an opening to "reimagine" how baseball reaches "an even larger number of fans." We’ve got a reimagining idea: How about y’all eschew the giant payday and go back to network TV?
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 15 Credit Suisse’s stock plunges, and a bunch of other banks have to step in to help First Republic. It feels … jittery out there. At least we finally got some nice weather?
THURSDAY, MARCH 16 Missouri Attorney General Andrew Bailey says he’s found even more dirt on Kim Gardner … surprising precisely no one who’s ever interacted with the Circuit Attorney’s Office.
Meanwhile, in Iron County, no less than the sheriff has been arrested, along with two deputies. Supposedly they were part of a kidnapping plot. Also, the Gateway Arch saw a huge increase in visitors in 2022. Here’s the St. Louis Business Journal’s take: “The Arch attracted 42 percent more visitors last year than in 2021, crime could threaten that trend.” We can never, ever have nice things in this town.
FRIDAY, MARCH 17 The party is in Dogtown and everybody’s Irish today, if by Irish you mean drunk and disorderly. The (Polish) archbishop is even letting us out of our Lenten restrictions — bring on the corned beef! This being St. Louis, we’re also pleased to report that the day continues to be an excuse to trade views of your boobs for beads that sell three for a buck.
SUNDAY, MARCH 19 Credit Suisse gets a white knight; banking giant UBS will take over the Swiss institution. But First Republic is still tottering and the whole giant Jenga tower feels close to falling.
Back in the dystopian Mayberry known as Missouri, neighbors tell the Post-Dispatch that the man who shot a cop in Hermann on March 13 and later engaged in a lengthy standoff was a “menace.” “He's going to do something really, really bad," a neighbor warned the county prosecutor. "It's going to be on the news in the evening and he's going to be up there with his rap sheet and everyone is going to be wondering how that guy was on the loose."
More recently, Kenny Simpson was found with bomb-making equipment. Yet he was somehow out free waiting for trial — free to kill a cop at a convenience store. It’s a major scandal. Should the Missouri Attorney General get involved? What about the state legislature? Oh wait … the county prosecutor in Warren County is white. And you can call it coincidence, but the fact remains: They only care when things like this happen in St. Louis.
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