KMOV's rebrand to First Alert 4 got us thinking. With St. Louis news outlets in open warfare over who’s "first" on everything, whether that be weather or news, no one is thinking about what the people actually want.
We know what you want. And we have the slogan to prove it.
We hereby go by Thirst Alert.
Because let’s face it: Y’all are thirsty. Just about every single one of you. Don't sit there and pretend you click on actual news as quickly or as often as you do stories with smokin' hot babes as the lead image.
We're not just blowing smoke out of our asses here. We have actual data demonstrating the correlation between your sexual appetites and the news stories you read. RFT’s most clicked-on coverage in recent years has involved anal beads and chess, Mark McCloskey's ripplin' pecs, teachers on OnlyFans (you nasty fuckers probably hope that link goes to OnlyFans, but it does not!), pics from the World Naked Bike Ride, and a horrifying story about a 16-year-old who reported allegations of sexual abuse at the hands of a teacher. The teacher just so happened to have a really great mugshot.
Never mind our expose revealing that St. Louis' circuit attorney attended nursing school even as her office devolved into a piping hot garbage fire (the story did well, but it was far from our most-read headlines of the year). Or that climate change could soon bring unprecedented flooding to our area. Or that some of our cops have zero interest in the public good.
So fine, we say! We’ll give you what you want! And for internet-addicted readers whose mental bandwidth has been reduced to that of a goldfish, we’re going to make it VERY CLEAR which stories are just for you.
Going forward, you can find our Thirst Alert label any time we’re giving the people what they want: Taylor Swift-themed pole dancing parties, YouTubers shoving anal beads up their asses, sexy Jesus pageants, and the like.
We own this beat, so why not own this beat? We’re the Riverfront Fucking Times, dammit. Emphasis on the fuck.
Just please, don’t make us go to court to prove it. Unlike St. Louis’ dueling TV stations, we didn’t bother to trademark this shit, and we didn’t invest in matching red outfits whilst packing our bags for Maryland Heights. All we have is our complete lack of pride, headquarters within the city limits and a cool new logo. Let us have this, OK?
